(Background: this article (first posted in My Poetry Blog by TVA) was inspired after watching Erin being dissed on a Sunday morning news show. I remember who it was but I won't say here...)
"Having done this many times, the secret is to slip under the bus quickly, avoiding impact with the front bumper." Erin Burnett
"Having done this many times, the secret is to slip under the bus quickly, avoiding impact with the front bumper." Erin Burnett
*
The scene opens: the populist "Good Guy" moderator, arch-liberal talking head and today's face for greed and corruption, CNBC's Erin Burnett.
PGGM:" Thank you both for coming."
ALTH:" Thank you for having me."
EB:" Thank you?" (I hope. Not the bus again, please.)
PGGM:" So Erin,(you're familiar with our bus) you work daily with people on Wall Street. Why can't you make them stop beating their wives?"
EB:" That's a complex question."
PGGM:" You have 15 seconds."
EB:" The assumptions that your question made are that first, wife beating is more prevalent on Wall Street than on Main Street, second, I have any control over that, and thirdly, well, the government has put in many safeguards against wife-beating that they don't enforce. (See how I slipped the bumper?) Implicit in that is a de facto agreement for the practice to continue."
PGGM:" De facto-that's Latin, right? What did you do, read a book?"
EB:" I am educated, yes." (Try to stay centered under the bus, avoiding the wheels. I can't stress this enough.)
PGGM:" People hate that. So, you are content to let the practice continue?"
EB:" That's not really my job... (The trick is to let the front of the bus pass to avoid pinching your fingers in the suspension.)
PGGM:" But we brought you here to defend Wall Street. Maybe that's why people think you're all evil."
EB:" Possibly, but dressing me like a witch isn't helping."(Try to relax and curl into a ball.)
PGGM:" It's Halloween on Wall Street , too."
EB:" You dressed me like a witch in June, as well." (Wear clothes tight enough to avoid entanglement on moving parts but sturdy enough to give some protection or you will suffer many abrasions.)
PGGM:" And yet you came back, so you must favor the look. Enough of you. Arch-Liberal Talking Head, what is your take on these revelations?"
ALTH:" First I must say I am shocked, shocked by Erin's pro wife-beating, anti-Halloween crusade."
PGGM:" As am I."
ALTH:" Even the simplest of minds can grasp how right we are and how evil she is..."
PGGM:" You said it, brother."
ALTH:" and yet she continues to defend the indefensible. I don't even have to make an argument."
EB:" But I have to, it's in my contract." (If you don't, at some point, grab onto the first bus you will be struck by the next following closely behind.)
PGGM:" There are many on Wall Street who see that wife-beating is wrong..."
EB:" There is a growing number, yes." (Don't grab at the shiny spots- they're covered in grease and oil, you'll slip off.)
ALTH:" Yet you refuse to join in stopping them."
EB:" Again, not my job." (See? Try to find a brace at the midpoint of the bus before the hot engine and muffler.)
ALTH:" I don't know how you sleep at night."
EB:" Usually with a pillow." (Any unusual movement can make the bus driver hit the brakes. The stranger the better.)
PGGM:" What?"
ALTH:" What?"
EB:" I like kittens." (The stranger the better.)
PGGM:" Well, that's a different topic for another day."
ALTH:" She's evading the question and you're enabling her. PGGM, you and I are so different. I'm incensed."
PGGM:" ALTH, your self-righteous anger has moved me. I will allow you to return."
ALTH:" I admire how you don't bend to the vagaries of public opinion. I will return."
PGGM:" Erin, for shame."(The bus comes to a halt.)
EB: (I usually just smile and try to look graceful as I roll out from underneath. Now, this is a personally painful process; you may say or do things you would not normally do. There is a small minority of by-standers that will understand this but the vast majority will not and, apparently, they all have blogs. It will take weeks for the bumps and bruises to heal and about that time you'll get another call...)
PGGM:" Make sure you join us next week for our exclusive, hour long program on shapes you can make out of clouds. James Carville and Maria Bartiromo are guests."
*
"If you are ever thrown under a bus, I hope you remember these tips I've learned through years of practice. It is survivable and can be made less painful if you keep your head. Remember the bigger the bus, the more people can see you. Wait, but they see you under a bus and that's not good. Maybe I should rethink this... Maybe I should get a new agent..."
Good Luck,
Erin.
*
I can not state enough how much this IS a prank.
