My 2nd annual “Sexiest Man” rant. Erin, last year, when you were at CNBC I sent you an email urging you to rail against Ryan Reynolds selection as the sexiest man. Ignoring the blatantly sexist nature of the award (if men comment on sexiness it’s “wrong”, but it’s “okay” for women and it’s “okay” to think of men as a piece of meat [we don’t want you to THINK of us as a piece of meat, we want you to USE us as a piece of meat, got it?]) I’m becoming increasingly concerned about what passes for sexy these days. First of all, the names: Ashton, Ryan, and (for the love of God) Bradley have more than one syllable and, therefore, cannot be recalled easily in the heat of passion. One syllable is MAX for a man’s name, like Tom (A’Hearn and, to a lesser extent, Selleck), Bert (Reynolds), Sean (Connery), Brad (NOT Bradley, Pitt): ask any John, Shawn, Shaun, Juan, Mike, Matt, Mark, Linc, Lank, Dave, Don, Bob, Rob etc. how often someone’s forgotten their name in bed. Zero. Two scenarios: at a bar, “Hey I’m Ashton, can I buy you a drink?” OR “Hey, I’m ’Ton, what’s up?” Am I right or wrong, Ladies? And another thing, I heard these glowing accounts about how B.C. speaks French and went to Georgetown. First of all, the only people who should speak French LIVE in France (sorry Quebec), anyone else is just begging for sex, and as you all know ladies, if they beg for it, they’ll be apologizing afterwards. I know what you’re thinking, “But Tomcat, you write poetry, isn’t that like speaking French?“ Poetry is a preemptive apology and is, therefore, more honest than speaking French. And as for going to Georgetown, well, I don’t hear them bragging about him, you know what I’m saying… There HAS to be more to being sexy than big eyes and a svelte body or next year it could be the Geico gecko. Ladies, is this really what you want by your side in the post-Rapture hellscape of the Zombie apocalypse, a polysyllabic, apologist ectomorph? People Magazine needs to go back to the old formula for selecting the sexiest man: the annual bare-knuckle, battle-royale at the snake pit in the Sonoran desert I now use as my MMA training facility. Hell, I’ll even get the bear I train against out (PETA folks: I don’t actually fight the bear, that would be cruel.) To sum up, while Bradley Cooper is not, to my knowledge, actually overtly Canadian (like Ryan Reynolds), he might as well be, but at least “People” is making some progress in that regard. Baby steps, baby steps. Erin, I call upon you again to use your bully pulpit and stand against the steady decay of sexy!
"So, Erin, at last we meet..."
